Stripped

I can hear some of you now. "Well, I declare! He finally posted the Wendy interview." I can assume things like that because Wendy now resides in the Carolinas, and I finally am posting my feeble attempt to climb inside her lovely, beautiful head.

Wendy possesses much more than beauty, though. For her, music is the second hand on every clock. Her family always retains its number one spot on her priority list, but she sometimes yearns to be the starving artist, the burned-out-never-faded-away bohemian spirit who passes through and changes the world and explodes or drowns in the gutter. Either way. I never knew my mother had twins.

Wendy writes superbly and shares bits and pieces of her life that leave me wanting to share a bottle or three of wine as we regale one another with our record collections, memories, and idosyncratic opinions and convictions. With that, I ask…

This post is a mirror for me. I read it and felt as if I had written it. I knew what was coming next. "I could so easily have gone the other way. I could easily be a strung-out artist living hand-to-mouth in an anonymous city, moving from great-big-thing to great-big-thing, with lovers and jewels collected along the way, none of them precious but all of them mine; responsible for no one and answering only to my self and my ever-present conscience. But there was something preventing that from happening. I am still not sure what…family? guilt? a feeling of owing more to myself? something propelled me past that exit on the highway. But I feel the pull sharply …it reminds me how perilous the trip always is, how the journey could be altered at the slightest notice and how I could find myself, lost without a map, but not altogether surprised at the detour."

In fact, many of your posts reflect your dichotomy. Here you write, "I have an artistic temperament in a suburban housewife’s life." My dichotomy is similar to yours, similar enough, in fact, to make me want to say "exactly." Logic dictates my word choice, however. Nevertheless, I feel as though I understand this part of you well. However, understanding the feelings is not the same as "figuring out the answers." So….

I have written about and pondered ad nauseum the concept of one’s "purpose." I find that the "pull" I feel, seemingly similar to you, causes me to dig deeper for things unfulfilled - things that should be fulfilled. I chase my tail, so to speak. Unlike you, I stand on a precipice, each passing day bringing more courage, contemplating stepping out into that scary void. My family, most of them anyway, are encouraging and even, to a surprising degree, about ready to push me.

1. To what degree is your family (particularly your spouse) aware of this dichotomy? Have you considered if there is a way (or a better way, perhaps) to blend the separate visions so that you can pursue the artistic wanderlust to some degree and still maintain your familial position?

Your taste in music thrills me. While I do not presume to know the breadth of your tastes, I do know that the songs and artists you mention on your site are among my favorites. Those who are familiar with my site must know that Dylan is at the top of the list. In this post, you write about when you "began to understand that there were two kinds of people in [your] life: people who were stunningly moved by music and people who weren’t." I mention that simply because it is a topic of many conversations I have had with various people over the years. I still am amazed that music means so little to some, while for me, it is a sixth sense. A song can take me to a particular place or time more readily than a specific scent can.

In that same post, you quote from Good Will Hunting: "My wife’s been dead two years, Will. And when I think about her, those are the things I think about most. Little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. Those made her my wife. And she had the goods on me too. Little things I do out of habit. People call these things imperfections Will. It’s just who we are. And we get to choose who we’re going to let into out weird little worlds."

2. What is the biggest obstacle you must overcome in order to let someone in? What is your biggest fear in doing so? Have you ever let someone "all the way" in? What sacrifice did that take? Would you do it again? Do you wish that you had done it sooner?

Here and here you write about finding that "person who will show us the patience and love to let us figure out; that we are safe, that we are loved and that we can move forward," and you say "I had to grow up and fill in the gaps and be real and whole BY MYSELF and then, and maybe only then, would someone come along and complement my angles and edges. There are a lot of things about getting older that suck, but hindsight and wisdom aren’t among them." Such wise posts. We disservice our children when we fail to assist them in these lessons. Yes, these lessons will be learned the hard way most of the time. Still, we lay the foundation, lest we forget.

True love, in my opinion, is a relationship that not only allows the other person to grow and become wholly and purely who they are meant to be, but it encourages, supports and assists that journey. Marriage is that times two.

3. What advice would you give to your children on how to determine if they have found "the one"? What was your greatest obstacle in your journey of love? What is the single greatest thing you need in a relationship? What is the single greatest thing you can give in a relationship?

Finally, in this post, I read more about the dichotomy - the "artistic temperament in the suburban housewife’s life." Consider that I am "talented, insane, too-bright-to-last" (I still dream), and that I have chosen to pursue those crazy-mad desires that hound me while I sleep and flog me while I am awake. I need something but am not sure what. I search, and find contentment in the search. Perhaps I am too scared that the search will end, of what is finally revealed. It is a dangerous road, as you know. I reach out to you.

4. What do you offer me?

Thanks Wendy. I truly enjoy your blog.

Madison Drake is next.

If you want to be interviewed, let me know.

I promise that I have not forgotten Wendy’s interview. It will be up very soon. The past week has been hectic, but not wholly unenjoyable. Busy. For me, that is not a bad thing, no matter how greatly it interferes with introspection, viewing half-nekkid bloggers, introspection, my viewing of The Unit, and other really deep things that thrill me so much.

I have been preparing for a move, one that excites me but not nearly as much as it scares me. I do not scare easily. I have been challenged to step out, leave the comfort and security of the retirement plan and the salary, and pursue "the purpose." The challenge involves making virtually no plans in advance, just putting in my notice, working five weeks, and then and only then worrying about "what next." The challenge stems from the challenger’s deep understanding of who I have always been: a passive-aggressive control freak when it comes to my own life. I take challenges, but not to this degree. Two posts ago, I referenced this. As the days unfold, I will chronicle the journey. Granted, such chronicling may be done from some public library, as I may be living on the street…. I have a good, sturdy pair of jeans, though, and I do have a shirt… somewhere.

Eight-year-old Son (speaking from the shower): I’m sore!

Me: What’s sore?

Son: um… my balls, Dad, my balls are sore.

The Mom: Oh yeah, I meant to tell you that he said his balls were sore.

Me: Really, really sore, or just a little sore?

Son: Just a little.

Me: Well, stop playing with them.

Son: Ok.

A few minutes later, he exits the shower and walks past his mom and me.

The Mom: So, you play with them?

Son: Not much. (Delivered as matter-of-factly as, "Fine, how are you?")

He continued to his room to get ready for bed.

Too often I live in objectivity, streaming in and out and all around the real me. At times I care too much what others think. At times I care too much about whether or not I am liked. At times I say "yes" despite a strong desire to say otherwise, and I say it because I do not want to let you down. I have reveled in being an "annual." I yearn to be perennial. I have been planted. I have been uprooted - too easily many times, simply because I hesitate, maybe I fear a complex, deep root system. Now, though, I am ready. I am only who I am. I am not who I think you need me to be. The roots of who I am are strong and will no longer be allowed to wither in the sun of other expectations. I have always been willing to go out on a limb, but I have always triple-checked the net below. There is a limb before me, and there is no net. I am meditating, clearing my head, before I step out.

Learn’s words resonated with me immediately. We’ve never met, barely spoken. Yet, she seemed to know me. When I first started reading her words, I read with wonder at the captured life of another. I gravitated toward the analysis, the story of one who was enraptured by the physical needs and desires, captured, if you will. I have been there. It is a most welcome enslavement. In fact, it feels not at all like ensalvement… until the emotional wants, needs, desires reveal what is lacking. I have questions I will not ask, for they are personal and would be for personal reasons. Ah, but there are questions I will ask, and that is why we are here.

Learn writes about sex. Her posts are overflowing with wonderful meetings, escapades, sensual delights, and dirty fucking. You read of one who enjoys all she knows and yearns to know more about the possibilities that exist when two come together. Such an awakening seems to have begun in earnest when she met T. You can read here a little of the story of meeting and getting to know T. Granted, many other posts detail their coming together, but this post is where you learn of their digital relationship. For two years, they were primarily email partners, maybe email lovers.

1. Learn, if you had to pick only one thing that pulled you toward T before you ever really knew him, what would it be?

One of the things you mentioned was that you wanted someone who would always bring a smile to your face. Of course, you also mention that you still are not quite sure what you want. I have a feeling that your experience with T has revealed much to you about what it is you want and need in a relationship and, just as important, what it is you can give. Oh, so many questions here….

2. Can you be deeply happy within yourself, with only yourself?

3. Where are you now in regards to knowing what you want? what you need? Can the two become the same?

I read here about your medical trials and worries. The initial diagnosis was ASCUS. A very common result of a pap smear, ASCUS presents, in almost 90% of cases, as a benign condition.

4. To the extent you care to share, how are you now?

Here and here you mention medication. In one instance, you mention Ritalin and in another, general antidepressants. For me, "focus" was my self-diagnosed problem. I considered medication, thinking that perhaps I would be able to find greater satisfaction in where I was. Basically, I like to be busy. I like meeting new people. I like the excitement of change. I thought medication may "settle me down." In fact, we seem to be similar in that regard, or at least in our thinking. So far, though, I have not tried it.

5. Did you ever give medications a serious try? If so, did they help?

In this post, you mention that T said that in order to survive you must sometimes lie to your heart. I have found that my heart is what causes the most trouble. When my head knows what is right, what is effective, what the real deal is… my heart tries to get in the way. In fact, I find that we often need to "lie to our heart," but it is not really a lie. I believe we have to keep from falling for the lies our hearts can tell. The heart is blind to truth many times.

6. What is your head saying these days? What is your heart saying? What controls you most of the time?

You walked through tough days and nights missing T. He had become a habit. I had one of those… not sure I should even speak that in the past tense. In many ways, a relationship like that is no different than a drug, and it is a hard habit to break. Even when you can see the negative effects it has on other important aspects of your life, you continue using. It’s crazy. It is made no easier when the other person expresses certain desires… says he misses you, wants you. T did this and maybe still does. You seem to be finding strength, though. Here you say, "I don’t want you to be left lonely one day, and the sad part is I don’t mean that I want you to be with me."

7. Is there something else, or someone else, in your life that has supplanted T - some goal or dream or whatever that makes it easier, or at least necessary to walk away?

I read about X, your first love. I read about how unequal to T you felt. When I read your words, see your photos, get a glimpse into how your mind works… I feel kinship. Plain and simple.

8. Where is X these days? Can you ever become your own first love? Do you desire or need an unequal relationship? Why did you allow me to interview you?

So, eleven questions….

Ok. Thanks, Learn, for agreeing to be interviewed. Let us know when you’ve answered!

Wendy is next.

If you are interested, let me know. The interviews will vary in length, but I will try to ask 5-8 questions. I will research your site and link accordingly. I may be nice, maybe not. I may pry. I may ask stupid questions. I may ask hard questions. I do not intend to offend, but I am not afraid of offending. If you want to be interviewed but desire for something(s) to be "off limits," let me know. I will try to post one interview each week. You should post your answers on your site. Visit here to see past interviews and the posted answers.

Have a great weekend everyone! Strip, it’s fun