When I first started this blog, I occasionally posted photos appealing to HNT sensibilities. However, I did not realize that there were "rules." LilBit broke the news. As a result, I removed the photos from the site and started anew. For the next couple of months, I played by the rules. Better yet, I got to know LilBit a little better.
Many folks know her as one of the most creative and daring when it comes to holiday HNT posts. Anyone who has seen her Valentine HNT or her Saint Patrick’s Day HNT can attest to that. She is creative, funny, outgoing, flirtatious. She also has a life that includes her bike, her hubby, her work, her friends, and her men. She is analytical and reflective, but she also is spontaneous and adventurous. Oh, and lest I forget, she appears to have a really fine body that just happens to possess, at various times, the perfect dish for banana splits and that oh-so-elusive pot-o-gold. So, LilBit, it’s your turn, and I apologize for taking so long.
1. I read here about the wedding you attended and the vows spoken - vows that were written by the bride and groom. The groom’s vow included "I will never try to change you, but will nurture the person I know today & the person you will become in the future — always giving you the room you need to be the person you are individually and the couple we are together." You responded: "Hmphf & just damn… Wish that had been in our vows."
In awe of the depth and enormity of that promise, I sat and read it several times. Floored. Wow. The cynic in me is well-practiced and receives a surplus of ammunition each day from which to continue perfecting its attack. So, the cynic says that it is easy to make promises like this when we are feeling the way we do today. The problem is that the promisor is likely to change, too. Will that person keep the covenant? And how much "change" will be tolerated?
The romantic in me is well-practiced, too, and it receives more of my attention. The romantic says that such a love, such a promise, is possible, if only we learn how to give the love we have and how to receive the love we need.
Between you and your husband, who would he say has changed the most since your marriage? Who is doing a better job at accepting the other?
2. I read here about you feeling as though you were in love with two men at the same time. I also read about K and your husband’s statement regarding an apparent "freedom" to do some things when he isn’t around, about your trustworthiness, and about the fact that email can be so easily misread because it fails to reveal a tone or intent that is present in vocal communications.
As for being in love with more than one person, I must concur that it can happen. From personal experience, I believe it is possible, and I believe that the art of keeping a covenant includes the willingness to perfect one’s ability to steer clear of situations where that becomes a possibility. Our egos and desires and unhappiness and so many other factors often win that battle, though. As a result, we not only fail to turn away from those temptations, we encourage them. We need them.
If K was worried about what H would think, and H knew that, then H seems justified in wondering what goes on outside his presence. This dovetails a little with the fact that people change over time. Perhaps a person understood that a certain level of openness existed and that person was cool with that. Over time, however, something like this happens and causes them to wonder if the understanding has changed. Does she want more freedom than she had? Have her needs, her desires, changed from what I thought they were? All this culminates in a weakening of the relationship’s foundation - trust. One begins to wonder what lies hidden in things unsaid, in gestures and faces that are unclear, and in things done that can’t be seen. Like email, it is so easy to misread the communication when the parties to it are in different places, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Assume that you are given a special power and opportunity. You know that for the next 24 hours you can speak totally honestly with H and undo it all if necessary. In order to use this power, though, you must speak the truth about you that he needs to know, that you need him to know, those things that would assist him in knowing what changes in both of you need to be dealt with. What do you tell him? (To the extent you desire to share, of course)
3. I read here that you were battling with certain personal feelings. "Who AM I? I really feel like I don’t know anymore. I used to know. I’ve always had a pretty keen sense of EXACTLY who I am and who I am NOT. Wellllll, maybe I’m being melodramatic & lying. I still know who I am, maybe I just don’t know how to be whoever it is some people WANT me to be, now all of a sudden. A lot of who anyone is, is also who one is in relation to other people. And it now seems to me that hubby wants a different wife, of sorts… wants me to be somebody I’m not."
From talking to people, living my own life, reading blogs… wow. I think almost everyone has felt, is feeling or will feel this way. It is tough, too. We want to please people, especially certain people. We also want to be true to ourselves, and sometimes being true to ourselves seems to run contrary to what it would take to please the ones we want (need?) to please. The romantic says that true love creates in a person the desire to let go of things that are contrary to the love. Note that the romantic did not say that true love requires this. Rather, true love creates this. It just happens. Once it happens, the person does not feel that they have sacrificed, because they did what they wanted - out of true love. The cynic says that people should expect change and the love should grow with that, we deal with it and move on, or move out. Of course, the problem is that we rarely enter a relationship with a complete knowledge of who WE are, much less complete knowledge of the other.
This post of yours fits nicely with #2, of course. However, instead of following up in that way, I am curious about something a little different. Is the person he needs and wants you to be very different from who you want to be? If so, which do you desire more? Then, regardless of who "wants" what, which are you?
4. I read here about fantasies and your feeling a need to let go of them, or some of them. "I think I’ve touched on something else I may need to let go… and it’s not going to be an easy one. Fantasies. At least some of them. They’re just diversions from Reality, really…diversions from DEALING w/Reality. It’s not pretty. And, it’s not easy to admit that I tend to succumb to the easier out when it comes to the internal battle I wage against myself: Face Reality (unhappy, mundane, boring, lackluster) and find a way to manage it in real terms or skip off to ‘Fantasy Land’ (exciting, magical, perfect and sexy)?Now my dilemma is becoming clearer.I went beyond Fantasy Land to the Land of Make-Believe. I need to figure out how to recognize that while it’s happening. Better yet, even before - to thwart it before it begins."
I have an overly-active imagination. This leads to an abundance of fantasies and dreams if I am not careful. I have learned that I have the tendency to pursue these to the exclusion of wiser pursuits. Thankfully, I have learned to manage, to redirect my mind. I am usually successful, but not always. I am still just a guy. 
Excuses aside, though, I have found that I am most successful when I focus on my objectives for the day, for the meeting, for the party, and so on. Also, I try to be very aware of obstacles that exist in my head (some of these are those fantasies and dreams, of course). If the obstacles serve to keep me from achieving to my capacity (whether it be in my relationships, my job, etc.), then I redirect. Damn, it sucks at times!
You are creative, intelligent, pretty, active, and passionate. Picture what your ultimate desire is in regards to your vocation and your relationship(s). Are your fantasies and dreams representative of a way to get there or a diversion to something that serves a purpose in the moment? Do you know what fantasies and dreams mean the most to H?
5. I read here about your reasons for starting the blog. "I started this blog for purely selfish reasons.
I started this blog, thinking I may discover some insight into myself by taking a deep & honest introspective look, putting pen to paper & putting it out there… hoping it may help me figure out why I’ve been unhappy w/my place in life the past few years & why it’s gotten so much worse lately…"
Similar thoughts were included in my reasons, too. A cathartic exercise. A place to speak rather freely and get feedback from others. I have learned, am still learning, that knowing something means little if not applied. Words mean little when actions are nonexistent or contrary. Knowing what I need to do, what I should do, means little if I am not courageous, honest, or otherwise willing to do it. The comments by others, including you, are a window for me. I really enjoy reading about others’ experiences and hearing their take on mine.
Has your blog revealed to you any deeper insights about yourself? Ideally, how would you like your blog to be viewed by others? If you and I were to trade blogs for a week, what would you do and what would I learn?
~ Ok, LilBit! Thanks for letting me interview you! ~
You guys probably know the rules by now, but if you don’t, then you can find them here.
