Sean and Lyn married after dating for 14 months. Lyn was three months pregnant. Their courtship was romantic, full of fun and laughter, and they each truly felt that they, just maybe, had found "the one." Their first sexual encounter occured after six months of dating. Both agree that, physically, they matched as well as in every other way. They left cards in unsuspecting places. Sean wrote poetry for Lyn, and Lyn wrote songs for Sean. They shared similar interests. It had to be love.
Eight years and three more kids later, their marriage is barely recognizable, barely a marriage. Sean lives in an apartment. Lyn lives in the house in the country, still working at being a stay-at-home mom of two boys and two girls. They both say that they still love one another. Sean, however, adds, "Just not in that way." Then, what way?
He says he now knows what love is. He says he knows what he needs in a relationship and what he can give. He says that he and Lyn rushed into marriage because of pregnancy. He says these things because … well, no surprise here: he’s met someone new. He has been seeing Rachel for 18 months. She is five years younger than Lyn. She is 20 pounds lighter (and three kids removed, I remind him). She is more athletic. She loves adventure. She loves him in ways that he didn’t know existed. She can have intelligent conversation. Sexually, she is a dream. He says he wants to spend his life with her. I ask about the kids. He stalls. Every time.
He asks what he should do. I remind him how Lyn was at the beginning. She was 20 pounds lighter. She loved the outdoors. She loved adventure. She was everything he ever wanted. She was intelligent and challenged him like no one ever had. Sexually, they were great together. He wanted to spend his life with her. He says that Rachel is so much more, makes him feel so much different. I say that time will change that, just as it did with Lyn. He says that he does not believe it will, at least as much as that. He says that he loves Rachel more and is more attracted to her in every way than he was when they first met. He says that every day it just grows. I say that what he and Lyn have isn’t growing because he isn’t feeding it. He scoffs. Inside, I know I have no answers he wants to hear.
He loves his kids, he says. I know he did. In fact, I know he still does. I wonder, though… If love is selfless, then maybe this is just one of the ways it is tested. Can he be selfless enough to put Rachel aside, if only for a time. Focus on his kids. Reconnect with Lyn so that, even if they ultimately divorce, they can have a more civil relationship, and the kids will learn better lessons that way. Afterall, Sean and Lyn both agree that they love each other. "In that way" …. heart and soul … head and heart … can it be changed? Do we have any control over it? Or does it have to do with self-control? Or is it character that allows one to honor a commitment? I believe we have so much power within us. What keeps us from using it? I very much understand that marriages, such as Sean’s and Lyn’s, are way too often entered into with little of the thought that should be applied to it. It is so much emotion. Still, absent abuse, neglect, and things of that nature, why is it so easy for us to treat that commitment as being an "until" situation. Until I meet someone new… Until you piss me off one too many times… Until I’ve had enough of your body… Until you get fat… Until I want out… Until it ends…. Seems very unfair to the one who thought it was forever.
