Stripped

Unfortunately, it seems that passion blows like a steady wind, and, like that wind, it blows on past. Like fashion. What constitutes "fashionable" one year is passe the next. Some things, of course, stand the test of time. To wit, when it comes to love, perhaps we are seeking that button-down oxford, that pair of brown bucs, that little black dress, that favorite pair of basic jeans, that pair of black heels.. or pumps… or flats. Easy concept, so what’s wrong?

First of all, many answers to that question are bound to be subjective. Of course, each situation is as different as we are from one another, so subjectivity is required to a degree. Nevertheless, I believe that there is a wealth of objectively applicable notions that must be considered. I was moved and appreciative of the comments to my recent post Another Familiar Refrain. So much of what I want to say as a follow-up was brought up in the comments, that I will write in response to them.

Gander, you bring up commitment and communication. What a place to start. I only will touch on these thoughts: I believe many people fear commitment because of any one of a number of reasons, be it a past relationship (familial or otherwise) that failed them, a fear of missing something to come, a fear of making a mistake (this is applicable in so many ways), an inability to be loved (touch this at your own risk). As for communication, the fundamental truth is that no relationship can expect to last if the partners do not communicate honestly and lovingly to one another. Thank you for your wise words.

LL, you speak from personal experience, and I appreciate your willingness to share that part of your life. I have known many who married young and felt the same way - that they had too much of themselves to learn about and didn’t know it; that a time came when they realized that and they felt that they had to move on to "find themselves" in some way. It is unfortunate, in my opinion, that we fail to instruct our children in the most important aspects of life, of what is really important when it comes to finding peace, contentment in this often crazy-mad world. I believe we have a duty to teach our children three things above all else: (1) instruct them in your faith (whatever it is), (2) teach them how to manage money, and (3) instruct them in the ways of love, what it is, what considerations should be taken in regards to finding a mate or partner, and so on. Each of these three things should be taught thoroughly and, perhaps most importantly, by example. The first two are topics for another day. The last, however, is pertinent. Unfortunately, adults often know as little as children when it comes to love and marriage and the like. Things can change, though. We must believe that, at least.

I had a friend in law school. He was anal as hell, a jerk, and basically a kill-joy. Still, he was a friend, and he got engaged during our last year. He was 28, and I asked how he knew this girl was the one. He shared with me what was obviously an embarrassing fact: he had a notebook in which he had maintained a two-columned list of "things I must have in a wife" and "things I cannot live with." Ok. Seriously. He started it after he broke up with his first girlfriend. The notebook was six pages long. As I flipped through it, I saw where some things in each column were struck through. Time changes things. It was amazing, the thoughts that blazed through my head. While I am not suggesting that this is the answer, it certainly points toward a direction, and having such a direction is better than none at all. He had considered what traits, habits, physical characteristics, sexual tendencies, and on and on, that he desired in a partner. This pushes it way beyond lust, money, convenience. I have been contemplating this topic much, as I have three children I wish to teach. I will keep you posted.

LL, I understand the place you are in. I have been there, too. I cannot say that I did the right thing or the wrong thing. I can only say that I made a decision, and I am happy with it. Others were not happy with it. Therein lies another topic for another day: does "pure love" require placing others’ happiness above our own?

Lime, you seem always to speak with wisdom, and I appreciate your words very much. "Shoulder to shoulder" brings forth an image of a wonderful relationship. To feel you can confide in and count on another to support your efforts are feelings that must be in the kettle if we’re going to have a relationship that sticks to the bones. Also, it seems many people are out there simply "selling a bill of goods" they have no title to. What a shame.

Tapestry, I hear what you say. It’s true that "forever" seems to be a foreign concept, hand-in-hand with "commitment." Of course people change, we all know this. Still, we too often reach a point in a relationship and jump ship (or are pushed overboard) because the changes created new people who were no longer compatible. New people? Rarely do we become new people! Understanding how to grow together (think: communication) is imperative. It takes commitment, though. (Are we getting somewhere?)

Goose, thank you for inspiring me with your comments. It’s a shame that the lust, the passion for one another seems to dissipate as life rolls along with its customary bumps and digressions. Responsibilities too often divert us from each other. People have said that marriage (relationships) takes work, and nothing could be more true. In the beginning, romance and passion come easily, but as time passes, if we are not careful (and many aren’t), we will reach a time when it comes easily no more. That is fine, if we understand that we can revive it and how to go about doing it. Of course, I speak in generalities, and, as I have said before, each relationship is different, and some relationships will not be able to withstand all that life throws at them. Some relationships are not built to last.

Tricia, wow, you mention "devaluing" someone. To me, that is the antithesis of love, but it seems so common in relationships. Are we back to the notion that we possess no truthful understanding of (much less the capability to move in) love? Wow. Then, we move on, again, to commitment. Are we capable? Are we willing? Are we in love? Are we certain of anything anymore? Thank you for commenting. You, too, have me pondering more.

Trouble, thank you for sharing such personal, intimate, and perhaps hurtful details of this part of your life. It seems you possessed a love that changes things. The love for your children caused you to stay, to endure the seemingly unendurable. Then, this same love contributed to your decision to leave. I am sorry you have gone through such things, but you seem stronger, wiser for it. Also, for any who read this, I sincerely hope that I do not present myself as judgmental in these situations. I have taken too many wrong turns for me to point at another derisively. I only have to look in the mirror if I desire to judge harshly.

Sis B, I agree. Abuse should not be tolerated. In some circumstances, intervention should be considered, but never at the expense of the others involved. I also agree that leaving simply beause "the fire is going out" is not a reason at all. Stoke it. Good words. You also mention the shaky foundation a new relationship is liable to experience. Good point. Not only may the new "love" one day consider that you left another to be with him/her (and then wonder when you will do the same again), but you may begin to blame the new love for pulling you away in the first place - selling you a bill of goods, as it were. Thank you for commenting. You make me think.

Christina, while I am not a pessimist, I do believe that fear (or at least caution) is warranted. However, one must recognize that focusing too much on the fear may have disastrous results. (I am not saying that you are focusing on it too much, just speaking in general terms.) For instance, the fear may lead one to never fully investigate the issues surrounding a life-long love. The fear may cause one to push away someone who can be all they want and need. I love what you ask - as we grow and evolve, shouldn’t love grow and evolve, too? Beautiful question. Considering that you ask such a question, I must say that your physical age does not presuppose a naivete regarding these issues. Your experience with men who profess that the spark is gone… well, perhaps it just needs to be stoked. Too often, some want to stoke something else for awhile. It’s not surprising that you’re too smart to play that game. Thanks for commenting, Christina. I appreciate your questions. I must consider that one for a while longer.

Well! I know this is a long post. I also know that HNT is coming up, meaning that few may scroll down to read this. That’s life. Needless to say (but I’ll say it anyway), this will continue. Hope your passion is shared with one who fits you well, like that favorite pair of jeans….

Another work week begins, and this one starts with cold and rain. Fitting, really. I spent the weekend sifting through a storage building filled with things that seemed worth keeping at one time. I am a packrat, some say. It’s true. I live on a farm, no longer an active farm, but I bought almost 10 acres of it. The property contains several old farm buildings, and one in particular is an ideal storage facility. First of all, the integrity of the walls and roof is unquestioned. Secondly, it is large. As in 24′ by 60′ large. On Friday afternoon, it was full. Aside from walkways, it was stacked 4 to 5 feet high with boxes, bags, tools, furniture, and the usual crap. Based on the way self-storage businesses are cropping up on every spare parcel of land around, I guess you know the kind of crap that gets stored.

Today, the only thing remaining in the building is trash. Every thing that was worth keeping was moved to a new building which I purchased last week. The new building is 12′ by 16′ and is not full. There is room to put down a couple of chairs and a table and just sit a while. It feels good to let go. Still, it was a melancholy exercise at times. It’s easy to forget just how much memory we possess. Oh well, I need room for all the new crap I am accumulating.

I hope the week is starting well for everyone. I appreciate the HNT comments. You guys know how to build someone up, that’s for sure. I also appreciate the thoughtful comments on my last post. I have not completed that one and will revisit that later this week. Until then, I need to make a couple of trips to the local landfill, the recycling center, and the homeless shelter. I have lots of things to give away.

Sean and Lyn married after dating for 14 months. Lyn was three months pregnant. Their courtship was romantic, full of fun and laughter, and they each truly felt that they, just maybe, had found "the one." Their first sexual encounter occured after six months of dating. Both agree that, physically, they matched as well as in every other way. They left cards in unsuspecting places. Sean wrote poetry for Lyn, and Lyn wrote songs for Sean. They shared similar interests. It had to be love.

Eight years and three more kids later, their marriage is barely recognizable, barely a marriage. Sean lives in an apartment. Lyn lives in the house in the country, still working at being a stay-at-home mom of two boys and two girls. They both say that they still love one another. Sean, however, adds, "Just not in that way." Then, what way?

He says he now knows what love is. He says he knows what he needs in a relationship and what he can give. He says that he and Lyn rushed into marriage because of pregnancy. He says these things because … well, no surprise here: he’s met someone new. He has been seeing Rachel for 18 months. She is five years younger than Lyn. She is 20 pounds lighter (and three kids removed, I remind him). She is more athletic. She loves adventure. She loves him in ways that he didn’t know existed. She can have intelligent conversation. Sexually, she is a dream. He says he wants to spend his life with her. I ask about the kids. He stalls. Every time.

He asks what he should do. I remind him how Lyn was at the beginning. She was 20 pounds lighter. She loved the outdoors. She loved adventure. She was everything he ever wanted. She was intelligent and challenged him like no one ever had. Sexually, they were great together. He wanted to spend his life with her. He says that Rachel is so much more, makes him feel so much different. I say that time will change that, just as it did with Lyn. He says that he does not believe it will, at least as much as that. He says that he loves Rachel more and is more attracted to her in every way than he was when they first met. He says that every day it just grows. I say that what he and Lyn have isn’t growing because he isn’t feeding it. He scoffs. Inside, I know I have no answers he wants to hear.

He loves his kids, he says. I know he did. In fact, I know he still does. I wonder, though… If love is selfless, then maybe this is just one of the ways it is tested. Can he be selfless enough to put Rachel aside, if only for a time. Focus on his kids. Reconnect with Lyn so that, even if they ultimately divorce, they can have a more civil relationship, and the kids will learn better lessons that way. Afterall, Sean and Lyn both agree that they love each other. "In that way" …. heart and soul … head and heart … can it be changed? Do we have any control over it? Or does it have to do with self-control? Or is it character that allows one to honor a commitment? I believe we have so much power within us. What keeps us from using it? I very much understand that marriages, such as Sean’s and Lyn’s, are way too often entered into with little of the thought that should be applied to it. It is so much emotion. Still, absent abuse, neglect, and things of that nature, why is it so easy for us to treat that commitment as being an "until" situation. Until I meet someone new… Until you piss me off one too many times… Until I’ve had enough of your body… Until you get fat… Until I want out… Until it ends…. Seems very unfair to the one who thought it was forever.

Friends

In both photographs, the child on the right is my son. (bottom: Asher; top: Seth) So, you are looking at my two boys and their best friends. Believe it or not, Asher and Seth are best friends. My brother and I were best friends for a short while. From the time I was born until the time I was 16, we moved 11 times. As a result, my brother, who is 3 years younger than I, and I depended on one another. He especially depended on me. At age 16, however, I had a life. I worked. I went to school. I participated in community theatre. I dated. I partied my ass off. I lost contact with my brother. Years later, when I was 20, my mother called me greatly distressed. She needed me right away because my brother was uncontrollable. I drove 30 miles to confront a brother who did not know me. I knew him, though. Leaving most of that story for another time, I will say that three days later my brother was in the Army. He is a different person today. We have been better friends at times, but not best friends. I sometimes wish that I had not desired so badly to leave home. Or that I could have taken him with me. Other times, I understand that each person has to face life as they will. When I think back to that three and a half years when I "moved on," I honestly cannot remember him. I do remember seeing him in passing. I remember a day when I looked at him and wondered when his style changed, when his friends changed, who was he? I moved on, though. There is much to revisit on later posts, but these photos of Asher and Seth are nothing compared to the many photos of them together. I hope they are always best friends. I hope they never feel more compelled than the typical teenager to leave home. And when they leave, I hope they never move on so completely that they lose each other to time, to others, to a life that stands at the door and beckons. I want them to understand fully that a life worth living is a life shared.

Pictures from a recollection and wishes
of somewhere else in time and distance
where trees are grown for no reason and I can love

the moon

Several sawed-off shotguns
wasting in the woodshed and suits
with dusty shoulders from hanging too long
in the closets of rusty soldiers
Maybe in church on Sunday
where real seems sometimes surreal but yet so real
that thanks should be given for bloodshed
and all the spankings behind the woodshed
because more than our shoulders are dusty

Must he
hide behind the squint and swagger
when all that is needed is a smile to sweet the bitter
swallowed with a childhood chased with annual migrations
and carpetbaggers from God-knows-where
who appear in bedrooms and kitchens
calling themselves family

Choking
from the sweetness of her love until
tears fall because of daily realizations and recognition
of mortality, of loss
because nothing lasts forever outside this room

Sitting on a sunset
smiles become vivid recollections and even pictures
will not remain – memories can’t last forever
like stale toast
Stuck

popped up in Pompeii and frozen to yesterday

~jericho~